


Dear Connor Murphy

by BossPotato01



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Character Death, Drugs, Ghost Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22640080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BossPotato01/pseuds/BossPotato01
Summary: So I went to go see Dear Evan Hansen yesterday, after being a fan for a long time, and oh my goodness inspiration! Anybody who has read... well... literally any of my other fics knows that I am an angst lord, and this topic is my strong suit. But please, don't feel alone. There are other people who understand how you feel. Get help if you're struggling! The world will be a worse place without you in it, no matter how contrary that feels.Anyway, this takes place right after the song Words Fail, however in this scenario, Heidi Hansen hasn’t seen Connor’s ‘suicide’ note online yet.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy
Kudos: 31





	1. Goodbye

Evan sat on the sidewalk outside the Murphy home, his heart beating faster, faster, faster. “What have I done? What the fuck have I done?”

Connor knelt beside him. He knew that feeling so well. The moment of reckoning after the worst mistake. The crossfire of regret, helplessness, hopelessness, hatred, and on and on and on. A tsunami of self-torment. How he wished Evan could see him; how he wished he could tell him that it was over. He had done it. All wasn’t fine, but it could be, with a little time, a little effort now. If Evan was willing. Connor just wished he could say it- that he could help Evan- that sombody had helped him.

“Evan… you should go home,” Connor began but didn’t continue when he got no response.

Evan’s face was in his knees, his hands clasped on the back of his head. “No no no no no no!” Evan groaned, his voice cracking from the weight of his panicked tears. “What did I do…”

What could he do? Was there anything? Connor sighed, biting his lip. This was his punishment. He got to watch the lives of the people he knew crumble around him. And how it hurt to watch.

Suddenly Evan stopped crying. Connor looked to him, the lack of noise shaking him from his thoughts. Evan wiped his tears away on his hoodie, coughed a little, and stood up. He pulled his hood down and went home. Connor followed, unsure of what to do. What was he supposed to do? Stay here, watch his family grovel? He was not doing that.

Ms. Hansen- Heidi, Connor remembered- was waiting. She started yelling. “Where have you been?! It’s late! I told you we needed to talk, and you- you what, went to the Murphey’s instead?! I can’t believe you-” Connor groaned. He was very familiar with these kinds of speeches from when he was alive.

But then she saw Evan’s face. In the dark, Connor hadn’t really seen it either, but now he looked. Evan’s eyes were red-rimmed from crying, but there was a dead, tired pain behind them. It was like he wasn’t even listening, just staring into space where his mom stood, tuned out of the world. Empty. “Oh, Evan! Baby what… what’s wrong?”

Evan shrugged. “Bad, bad day, that’s all. Don’t you have the night shift tonight?” His voice was deadpan as if he wasn’t there. 

Heidi frowned, tilting her head. “I did, but I was going to take the night off… I really need to talk to you. About everything that’s been going on, with the Connor project, with school…”

Evan gave her another mindless shrug. “I’m fine, mom. Tomorrow’s Saturday. We can talk then.”

Ms. Hansen gave him a quick hug. “Alright, sweetie. We’ll talk in the morning. But please remember to eat, okay?” 

Evan nodded silently, and Heidi Hansen was gone. “No, don’t leave him, dumbass!” Connor shouted after her. It was not the nicest thing he could have said in retrospect, but Connor thought it was warranted, and anyways she couldn’t hear him anyway. But Evan… he shouldn’t be alone when he felt like this. Evan trudged to his room, collapsing right on the floor. “Your bed is like, six feet away man. That can’t be comfortable.”

But obviously, Evan didn’t hear or care enough to change his position. He lay on his back, facing the ceiling. He just stared into the darkness, and Connor sat there. What else could he do?

Finally, after four hours of laying there, staring into the darkness, Evan got up, taking his computer from his backpack and opening it. He still sat on the floor, his back leaned against his bed. Connor moved to sit behind him, to see what he was doing.

Evan opened a blank document and began to type. Connor was startled to see his name appear on the screen.

Dear Connor Murphy, 

I was right. It wasn’t an amazing day, an amazing week or an amazing year. I tried to make it one. I thought I could help people. I thought I could get what I wanted, and everyone would be better off. But now, I think the world would be better off without me. 

Isn’t it crazy that all my hope was pinned on Zoe? I knew her, but she didn’t know me. Now she sees what a horrible person I am. I had wished I could just talk to her. Really talk to her. But look how bad I fucked that up the first time around.

I wish i hadn’t tried to make everything different. I wish I hadn’t tried to be a part of something I wasn’t. I wish I hadn’t said anything that mattered, because now, what I’ve said made everything so much worse. Now I know people would notice if I disappeared tomorrow. But it wouldn’t actually matter if I did.

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,

Me

Oh God, he’s not going too- Connor thought, but before he could even finish the idea, Evan printed the paper. Evan sat on his bed, looking at it for another hour. Silent. So silent. “Evan, please. I need you to hear me. Don’t do this. You can’t fix anything when you’re dead!”

Evan didn’t lookup. But he spoke, which probably would’ve given Connor a heart attack if he was capable of having one. “There’s nothing I can fix, Connor. I screwed up. There’s no fixing this. Soon, everyone will know what I did.”

Connor stared. “You- you can hear me?”

Evan nodded. “Mhm.” 

“How long have you been able to hear me?”

Evan shrugged. “I first saw you right after I found out you were dead. But I haven’t been able to hear you. Not until I gave my speech at school a few weeks ago.”

Connor brushed his hair back. “Okay. This is good. Because Right now, I need you to hear me, dickbag,” Evan looked over at him, his eyes still so vacant. “I need you to listen to me. I am literally dead. Taking your life isn’t gonna help you. It’s just gonna hurt the people around you. As for what you did? Yeah, people are gonna be pissed. But you need to face them. Own up. It’ll all blow over soon enough.”

Evan shook his head wildly, his eyes growing wet again. But there was a laugh behind his voice like mortality had all become some joke to him. “I can’t… I can’t face them. I can’t let them see this awful part of me. At least if I’m dead…”

“Things will not be better, Hansen!!!” Connor shouted. Evan shrugged, ignoring Connor. He got up, tucking the paper in his pocket, and went to the bathroom. Connor followed him. “Please just listen to me! Don’t fuck up like I did!”

Evan stood, staring at himself in the mirror in the harsh light. He looked so dark, so pained. So… dead inside. Evan reached forward, opening the mirror and taking all the many bottles out that he could.

“Evan no!” Connor shouted, reaching forward and swatting at the bottle. His attempt was futile, as expected, his hand passing through like a mirage.

Evan poured bottle after bottle of assorted drugs into his hand. He ignored Connor’s shouting, his cursing, his pleading. He stared at the pills in his hands. This should do it. He turned to look at Connor.

Connor stopped yelling, his eyes teary. “Evan. Please. Please don’t do this. You know i forgive you right? I’m not mad about what happened. That’s got to mean something to you!”

Evan’s lips curved into the smallest half-smile. “Thanks, man. You know… in another life, maybe we could’ve been friends.”

“WE CAN BE FRIENDS NOW!” Connor insisted. 

But Evan shrugged. “Not now. Not after what I did to you. To your family.”

“Hansen, you were the best thing to happen to my family. Don’t feel like everything that happened was your fault. A few misunderstandings just got us all messed up, but it’s fixable!”

“I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.” Evan said, his eyes brimming with tears again. “But it’s not.”

Evan swallowed the pills. Connor screamed. A full, broken scream. But the damage was done. Evan sighed, wandering from the bathroom to his bedroom. He lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Connor sat beside him. “Evan…” He sobbed. He had hated Evan for so long… for pretending to be his friend. But Evan had grown on him… like cancer, or fungus. But he had felt what Evan was feeling. And nobody deserves to feel that way.

Evan fished his note from his pocket, clutching it tightly. “I hope to see you later, Murphey,” Evan softly chuckled.

But slowly, his eyes fell closed.

His breathing became slower and uneven.

And Connor sobbed, calling Evan’s name again. Hoping to keep him awake. To keep him from dying. Long enough he could be found; that he could be saved.

Evan didn’t answer.


	2. Phone call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2.
> 
> Connor does something miraculous. But will it matter?

RING. RING. RING.

Connor jumped at the noise. Evan’s phone was lit up on his desk. Connor crossed the room to the desk. The caller ID read Mom. Oh God, there was hope. Connor tried to answer, to say something, to get Heidi to return to the house. But his fingers passed through the desk as he tried to pick up. 

“Evan! Buddy, you got to pick up the phone,” Connor said, running back to Evan’s bed. Evan opened his eyes, but they were fairly vacant and hazy.

“What?”

“Pick up the damn phone, Hansen, your mom is calling!”

“Mmm. Good for her...” Evan dismissed. The phone continued to ring. Connor knew that if Evan didn’t pick up the call, he had no chance.

Connor went back toward the phone. Reaching out again. ‘Please, please,’ he prayed. ‘Please let me help Evan get through this. He needs to live. Please, let him live…’ he begged the universe, and reached for the phone again.

This time, he felt a strange warmth in his fingers, like he was holding his hand over a flame. When his fingers should have passed through the desk, they tapped the phone, answering the call. Connor jumped back in surprise, as a voice echoed from it. “Evan? Honey? I know it’s late, but I just wanted to check in with you. When I left earlier, you just seemed so upset…” But Evan didn’t seem to be paying attention to his mother’s voice. He didn’t even respond. ‘Damn,’ Connor thought. ‘How am I supposed to get her to come home?’ Heidi spoke again. “Evan? Are you there?”

Connor walked over and snapped his fingers in front of Evan’s face, bringing some focus to him. “Say something to her.”

“What are you talking about? Talk to who? Can’t you just let me die in peace, Connor?”

“Evan?! What’s going on?! You’re scaring me!” Said his mom’s voice on the phone.

Connor shook his head. “No! I need you to talk to her! You can’t die. I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

Evan sighed, closing his eyes. “If you can’t watch me end my life, then why don’t you leave? It’s not like you aren’t familiar with the process.” 

Connor growled, but at least he had seemed to get Evan to say the right things for the woman on the other end of the phone. “Evan!! Oh my god, hold on! I’m on my way home. Don’t do anything!”

And so the ghost kept talking to Evan, trying so hard to keep Evan from passing out. But his voice became more and more slurred, his answers less frequent, until finally he was saying nothing.

Connor heard sirens in the distance, and ran to the window. Turning down the street, he spotted Heidi’s car, racing ahead of an ambulance. “Evan! Just hold on, alright? Please, motherfucker, I need you to hold off on the whole dying thing.”

Connor ran to the stairs as the door flew open. Heidi was at the front of the procession, calling her son’s name. She hurried up to Evan’s room, racing past the ghost teenager at the top of the stairwell.  
When she entered the room, a horrible, broken scream passed her lips. The paramedics entered, taking Evan out of the room. Connor was swept up in the chaos. Was this what it was like when he died? He didn’t remember much of the time immediately following his own death. There was so much going on, he couldn’t keep track. But he did see Evan’s note fall from his pocket as he was taken away.

Somehow, through her tears and panic, Ms. Hansen spotted this too. She picked it up and stuffed it in her purse, and raced from the house. Connor ran after them, slipping into the ambulance that was already crowded with EMT’s and Evan’s mother. Luckily, being a ghost meant he didn’t take up much space. Evan’s eyes fluttered half open.  
“Thanks, Murphy,” he groaned sarcastically, seemingly ungrateful to have been rescued. Then he passed out.

"What a little bitch," Connor grumbled, though he knew he probably wouldn’t have been any different at first.

But at least Evan was alive. For now.


	3. Connor Vibe Checks a Purse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought this title was fitting. I mean, that's litterally what he does.

The school was filled with rumors. Somehow, everyone knew. Connor Murphy’s best friend- the founder of the Connor Project- the one who tried so hard to help other hurting people- had tried to kill himself.

It had been weeks since, but today was Evan’s first day back. That really stirred up the masses. Alana and Jared stood waiting outside the front doors. They had agreed with Ms. Hansen, who had asked them to keep an eye on him his first few days back. It was about 15 minutes until class was supposed to start when he showed up.

Connor was sitting in the back of the car, not paying attention to the speech Heidi was giving her son. Apparently, neither was Evan. He hardly remembered to say goodbye, slamming the door of the car behind him. Connor followed.

He began walking to the doors, but Jared and Alana raced up, blocking his path. “Hey… man!” Jared said awkwardly, taking Evan in.

It was true, Evan had started to look more and more different these last few weeks. Even before he had tried too… well, it was just more apparent now. Evan wore a black bomber jacket and dark torn skinny jeans, a white T-shirt under it. His hair was messy, his eyes rimmed dark from what looked like many, many restless nights. He was a chalky pale and was more or less exactly what somebody would have expected. But not from Evan. 

Evan merely nodded at Jared in recognition, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Oh, Evan! It’s so good to have you back! We heard about how you…” Alana caught herself awkwardly. “Well, we were worried!”

“You can call it what it was, Alana. You don’t have to skirt around it. Attempted suicide.”

Alana gulped. Connor couldn’t help but find it ironic. For how much work she put into the Connor project, trying to help people, she didn’t really know anything about people, did she?

“Well, we’re glad you failed, man,” Jared said at last.

And Evan had the audacity to laugh, which seemed to startle his friends. “Are you? Thanks. I’m flattered, but you shouldn’t be happy about it. Since when does society celebrate failure?”

Jared’s eyes widened at the comment. Worried, maybe a little afraid for his ‘family-friend.’ Alana’s breath caught. “Evan!”

Evan shrugged his shoulders and began to walk, the two falling to his side. “Damn, I don’t want to be here,” he muttered. Connor sighed. He recognized himself in Evan. Evan was angry at the world. He was tired of having to play defense on his heart, so he tried to destroy himself. But when he couldn’t- he had to attack others.

Connor sped forward, slinging an arm around Evan’s shoulders. It didn’t really hold him, it didn’t have any weight or real effect- but ever since he had answered the phone, he had been able to do a little more. He leaned over Evan’s shoulder, who side-eyed him but otherwise tried to ignore his personal ghost. “Evan, can you lighten the fuck up? You’re alive! I would do anything to trade places with you. You have friends who want to spend time with you. Don’t push them away.”

Evan scoffed, rolling his eyes and shaking Connor off. “Shut up,” He hissed under his breath.

Jared eyed him strangely. “I didn’t say anything…”

“I wasn’t talking to you, Jared,” Evan said a bit harshly.

Jared bit his lip, saying nothing. That’s how the entire day seemed to go. People went quiet when he passed, moving out of his way, their eyes following. Evan was angry and sarcastic all day, his commentary rude and out of character. But nobody seemed to have the heart or courage to tell him what to do.

That was, until lunch. Jared and Alana had taken seats with Evan, Connor laying across the empty part of the table. Evan wasn’t eating, just browsing the internet on his phone. But his head snapped up when he heard his name shouted from across the lunchroom.

“MARK EVAN HANSEN!” came a loud, angry voice. At least 20 people looked that way. Zoe was stomping over, his face conveying more anger that Connor had thought was possible. She seemed on the brink of tears, but way to pissed off the cry. Evan stood up to face her.

“Oh shit, this is gonna be good…” Connor said, and Evan turned and flipped him off. Alana and Jared exchanged looks, but Evan didn’t have a chance to say anything about his actions, as Zoe had reached him.

“Hey Zoe,” Evan said, his set-the-world-on-fire-and-see-if-I-care snark ever-present. 

Quick as lightning, she brought her hand up and slapped him across the face. Half of the people watching hooted and hollered (Kids do love fighting) and some gasped, surprised that she would do that to him, considering his current mental state. Evan leaned over, rubbing his mouth.

Jared had jumped up, and was holding Evan’s arm. Onlookers might have thought he was making sure Evan was okay, but in all honesty, he was more concerned that Evan might retaliate.

After a moment, he stood back up. “I deserved that,” he said, wiping the light blood that was coming from his split lip.

“Hell yeah, you did. You know, when we found out what you tried to do, my mother cried. She was so afraid of losing another kid. She begged me to check up on you when you got back. But I think it’s more important to give you a reality check, don’t you?”

She paused. A lot of people were watching. Taking a deep breath, Zoe continued. “You saw first hand what suicide does to people- like my family. You were so selfish! And why? Over Connor, your best friend?” Her voice didn’t relay sarcasm, but he could see it in her eyes.

Evan rolled his eyes. “Okay, Zoe! Next time I want to die, I’ll remember just how much YOUR parents care about me.”

Zoe crossed her arms. “Yeah, you should! And we’re not the only ones. But you are such as stuck up, self-focused ass, you don’t care how much it would hurt everyone to lose you. Did you think about anyone but yourself? How would your mother feel? Jared? Alana? Me?”

“Yeah, I did. And what you all think about me is exactly why I tried to kill myself in the first place.” Unlike Zoe, Evan had never raised his voice, or even looked particularly upset. He just sighed, grabbing his school bag. 

Connor threw up his hands in exasperation.“Evan, come on. We’ve talked about this. You got to talk to the people who care about you!”

“Leave me alone, Murphy!” He shouted, hustling out of the lunchroom. Everyone seemed to think this last outburst was directed at Zoe, but Jared and Alana exchanged yet another look. Evan hadn’t been looking at Zoe. He had been staring very fixedly at the table.

They packed up, rushing out of the lunchroom, not-knowing that the ghost of Connor Murphy was right behind them.

Weeks passed. Day after day of this behavior continued. He was angry all the time, and Jared, Alana, and even Zoe often found him talking when nobody was there. 

Meanwhile, Connor continued to try in vain to help Evan. He pressured Evan to continue to write letters about why it would be a good day. But instead of ‘Dear Evan Hansen,’ Evan would write them to Connor. He would print the page, and set them on his desk, so Connor might read them.

The letters were vague, Connor found, and usually filled with anger and spite. It was never ‘going to be a good day.’ And that was concerning. Evan didn’t seem to be getting better in any way. In fact, he seemed worse, if you asked Connor’s opinion. What could he do? He couldn’t force Evan to feel better, to see that somebody else could.

But somebody else might be able to.

Connor snuck downstairs- not that he really needed to be that stealthy- he could have screamed at the top of his lungs and Evan would be the only one to hear- but it seemed appropriate. 

Ms. Hansen had never read Evan’s suicide note. She had been so worried and busy, it had ended up at the bottom of her purse. He had to find a way to get it out. Maybe that would be just the right amount of push.

Ms. Hansen was still up, having gotten home about 30 minutes ago, and was eating cold spaghetti at the table. The poor woman looked like she had aged 20 years in the last few weeks, bless her heart. Her purse and schoolwork sat on the table. Connor walked over, taking a seat in the empty chair.

“I know you can’t see or hear me, Evan’s mom, and that you’ve never met me, but Evan is my best friend. I mean, we weren’t really in life, but now that my dead soul is sort of tethered to him, I spend every hour of the day with him. I think we’ve gotten really close.” 

Just as he expected, Heidi didn’t look up from her food. Connor sighed. “You know, since I’m with him a lot, I wanted to talk to you. About how he is. He’s still hurting really bad. And I think you can feel it, can’t you?” Connor reached over to the purse, resting his fingers on it. “So I really, really need you to see his note. I need you to show him how much he matters in a way that’ll get through to him. ‘Cause apparently, my way isn’t working.”

Connor gave all his focus to his hand, his fingers heating up. ‘Fall over. Spill out. Fall over. Spill out.’ he thought and gave it a shove. 

The purse tipped just slightly… and dumped all of its contents out. “Booh- Yeah!” Connor yelped joyfully.

“Oh dear,” Mrs. Hansen said, standing up and walking around the table to where Connor and the purse were. She shoved her things back in, and Connor reached out again, bumping the note just a little further away. When everything else was back in, Heidi reached over and grabbed the paper. Her brow was scrunched. “What’s this, can I recycle it?”

She unfolded it as Connor waited anxiously. Slowly, her face fell. “Oh God… Evan…” she murmured, burying her face in her hands. 

“There you go, ma’am. Now go un-fuck up your kid with your new knowledge.” Connor left Heidi in the kitchen, returning to Evan, who was sound asleep.

Connor laid down across the width of the bed, using Evan’s legs as a pillow. “Your mom read your note, you know.”

Evan, who didn’t seem to really hear him, buried his face into his pillow. “Fuck off, Connor,” he mumbled and fell back asleep.

Connor sighed. How he hoped this would work the way it should.


End file.
